This semester is ending so much different than I had originally planned. First, I find out that living-wise...next year is a big question mark. I want my friends to do what it is that they've wanted to do. But I've been hurt. "you know what they did? they kicked him in the penis. He was injured, injured bad" Thats how I feel. Like whoever that little black kid was alluding to in that commercial. I just feel dumb. I don't know what I was thinking, while under the impression these important people in my life would want to live with me. Those who I spend the most time with and share the most about myself with, are those who are the most important. I don't have certain friends because I can't find anyone else..it's because I care about them. I know that none of this stuff has happened because they don't like me and want to hurt me, but I can't help but to feel sad. I probably shouldn't be writing this on here for them to see. But I just want to express the feelings somehow. If we sit down and talk about it, they'll feel sorry for me. I don't need sympathy. I just deserve to have loving and supportive friends who want to be around me. I deserve to live with close friends and we can live life together. I think that people are also frustrated with me because I am now going to do something for MY self. I want to experience new things...if that means changing clubs..its okay! Just like my friends don't want to leave me, they just want something different. Feelings shouldn't be hurt and judgements shouldn't be made. I just can't keep trying to hold onto to things.
I thought that I had everything planned out. But God has something in store for me I guess.. I'm excited to live with different people next year. God will work for the good in this situation. I am not bitter or mad about anything. I just feel weird. God has placed some awesome people in my life that are coming alongside me to support me too. Its like God telling me that I'm not always in control of everything. It is just preparing me for when I go to Haiti and will just have to go with the flow. It will be unlike anything I could plan for.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
I'm a blogger....
I never thought this day would come, when I'd be blogging. I never thought that I was cool enough to have one, but here I am...The very essence of cool! I feel okay about this.
I guess that I just want to be able to express myself. I have never really had a problem doing that, but this is different. I want to be able to share the heart of me...something that is underneath all the stuff thats going on in my life. I say all the time how I've changed so much this past year. It's true, but I want others to see it as well. I also want to tell others about my experiences this summer while I'm away. I want to tell people about what God is doing, what is happening in this world that people are oblivious to. We are so consumed by all of our problems and desires, we can't fully appreciate life...me included. I hope to re-center this summer, starting now. I rely so heavily on my relationships, and my emotions go right along with them. I'm up and down and around with emotion. I have been working on not letting my emotions cripple me. I've gotten better at it, but its a process... But anyway, I need not rely on people but to rely on something that is within me, that is within all of us. The Spirit of God.
Part of the change in me has been my understanding of the Creator, and how I relate to this invisible incomprehensible God. My mind does this thing where it dwells on the things that are wrong in this world. I've gotten caught up with ideas of Hell and of pain. I have learned all my life in church that Christ has conquered death, sickness, and fear. But there are people out there who don't know that. There are people out there who have withered away to only a shell of the person they once were, or the person they could be. Not someone who does all the right things and says all the right things, but a person with a sense of purpose and love. I hurt for people and the what I've been doing to deal with it, is turning away. I turn away from trying to understand God. I will never understand what happens in this life. It's good to realize that and just trust God anyway. But I've not much much of that either. But when I pray I know that God has given me a passion to help unveil his kingdom thats in the midst of us. Because most of the time, I can't see it. I can't even see it in myself.
I'm sorry if what I said doesn't even make sense. My mind goes on tangents. ha I've said a lot for my first blog. But I guess I know what this blog is for now....It's the witness of a process of growth within me, a process of change along this incomprehensible journey.
I guess that I just want to be able to express myself. I have never really had a problem doing that, but this is different. I want to be able to share the heart of me...something that is underneath all the stuff thats going on in my life. I say all the time how I've changed so much this past year. It's true, but I want others to see it as well. I also want to tell others about my experiences this summer while I'm away. I want to tell people about what God is doing, what is happening in this world that people are oblivious to. We are so consumed by all of our problems and desires, we can't fully appreciate life...me included. I hope to re-center this summer, starting now. I rely so heavily on my relationships, and my emotions go right along with them. I'm up and down and around with emotion. I have been working on not letting my emotions cripple me. I've gotten better at it, but its a process... But anyway, I need not rely on people but to rely on something that is within me, that is within all of us. The Spirit of God.
Part of the change in me has been my understanding of the Creator, and how I relate to this invisible incomprehensible God. My mind does this thing where it dwells on the things that are wrong in this world. I've gotten caught up with ideas of Hell and of pain. I have learned all my life in church that Christ has conquered death, sickness, and fear. But there are people out there who don't know that. There are people out there who have withered away to only a shell of the person they once were, or the person they could be. Not someone who does all the right things and says all the right things, but a person with a sense of purpose and love. I hurt for people and the what I've been doing to deal with it, is turning away. I turn away from trying to understand God. I will never understand what happens in this life. It's good to realize that and just trust God anyway. But I've not much much of that either. But when I pray I know that God has given me a passion to help unveil his kingdom thats in the midst of us. Because most of the time, I can't see it. I can't even see it in myself.
I'm sorry if what I said doesn't even make sense. My mind goes on tangents. ha I've said a lot for my first blog. But I guess I know what this blog is for now....It's the witness of a process of growth within me, a process of change along this incomprehensible journey.
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