Experiences and Choices

It just hit me today. I'm going to Haiti in a week and I am not prepared in the least...not physically, emotionally, spiritually. I can't believe the school year is over... A year of responsibility, joy, difficulty, loss, and huge gain.

I woke up yesterday at 9am...ready to work my butt off and get the heck out of Anderson to make it to my sisters grad party. I never stopped running around, carrying things, cleaning things, untill it was done. I was exhausted, but it was over. My car was packed, the dorm was clean and ready for the summer. With excitement that we could soon leave, the RAs gathered in the lobby for one last prayer before we parted ways, some of us only for the summer but others forever. We huddled together thanking God for all of his work this year. All of my pain and my joy from the past 9 months was present in my mind. "This has been an amazing year", I thought. I looked around the circle as Abby prayed at some of my now best friends. These girls were there for me this year like no one else was. I wasn't ready to leave them. I wasn't ready to leave for the summer knowing that I would be forever changed by events to come...just like I had been changed by the shared memories with these beautiful girls. We are all imperfect, but together we make up for eachothers weaknesses. I am so grateful that I got the experience of being an RA. There were alot of things that I could have done better, but I was true to myself and real with the girls along the way. I loved my girls, and I loved the fellowship with the staff. I will never have another experience like it. I hugged each of the RAs goodbye and began to cry a little. But I knew that it was time to go. People at a fiesta were waiting for me.

So I get to this party...My family is kinda funny. They like to tell their crazy stories that without fail have something to do with alcohol. A few crowd favorites are: signing up for nineth grade with a hangover, honeymoon that involves police, tazers, and eatible underwear. And of course Dad's friend in a mid-life crisis, driving a corvett and smoking pot. I get a whole different view of life from this side of my family, and I've learned many lessons from them. I'm glad they are a part of my life. They are the other side that makes up who I am today. They think that Jayne and I are perfect. I think that Dad wants us to be better than them, but we are all the same. They are good people. Life is about choices....a friend just reminded me, "we make good choices and bad choices. It's how the world works." Where ever we are in our lives, its about the what we do next...the next right choice.

This post is kind of random but it all happened in the last day...

don't sweat the small stuff

So I get mad really easily... I don't want to, it just happens. Little things with my family and a few others, just make me really mad. And I yell. Thats how I deal with things. Thats how my family dealt with things. My mom yelled at me. My Dad yelled at me. Later my Dad felt bad, but I couldn't and still haven't forgiven him for a few of those times that he freaked out on me out of no where. I mean yeah I provoked it a little, but no one especially a child ever deserves being screamed at and told they are stupid. He has tried to make up for it so many times. Now he can't understand why after all of the good things he has done for me, I still hold onto those instances where he lost himself to the moment...anger or frustration....whatever it stemmed from.

Well ladies and gentlemen, now I am one of these individuals who lashes out in moments of frustration. I don't mean to get so upset, but the situations in which it happens are just stupid. The problems usually don't even matter that much. But I get mad, yell about it, and then a few minutes later everything is fine. When my mom, sister, and I get mad at eachother we just yell at eachother then after it settles we're back to normal. But apparently this method doesn't work for everyone.

This has affected some of my relationships already. I'm just a nineteen year old gril with some issues I guess. I so badly want to be slow to anger and slow to speak, but even in moments that I recognize my emotions and try to control them, they still come out. I've been working on this issue in my life for over a year. The whole emotion thing... well i've got some more work to do. I'm sorry if I have hurt anyone.