Goodbye Cazale

Tonight before dinner I was with the kids. For some reason I thought it would be good that they know I was leaving so its not like we just don’t come down anymore. So I asked Henley to tell Evenson and Denny that Lindsay and I had to leave tomorrow. They understood because they are older. They are used to people coming and going, so maybe they won’t be sad. Evenson seemed pretty sad though and didn’t want to be away from me the rest of the night. We had so much fun today. He’ll just say 3 words and I’ll repeat after him, then we make a song out of it. I love him so much! It was time for dinner and I knew that I needed to tell him and the others goodbye. I kissed them all and said “mwe amo” (or something to that effect) to the ones I’d been playing with : Hope, Denny, Bartelmy and Evenson. When I walked away I wanted to cry. When I got to the steps I did cry. I had a few steps to go that I could before I’d make it to the top and some one might see me. So I let out a few wimpers… I will miss them so much! I didn’t realize it would be this hard. I have been so ready to get to the next place that I thought it would be so easy.

Today is my birthday and I got to call home. I called my mom and was able to talk for like 3 minutes…maybe. Her, Megan and Steve sang happy birthday to me. After that I went blank. It was like I had nothing to say except hey…miss ya! Hearing her voice made me realize how much I miss home. I cried a little when I hung up.
Lindsay called home too. She got really sad as well.

After all the goodbyes, some forever, some for just another month, I know that I will be alright. I am still focused on what God has called us here to do. We will go to the next place and start all over. It will be hard at times and amazing at others…just like it was to adjust here. Pray for us…Pray that we keep our hearts and attitudes aligned with God’s. If we go with it, it may be easier than if we resist and dwell too much on what we’ve left behind. The Journey continues….and its still incomprehensible. Ha

My Loves

Yesterday I realized how big of a deal it was that the first half of my "life changing" trip to Haiti is over. What will I take away from this? What will always stay with me? Everything that has happened here and every feeling that I've had has impacted me, definitely. But where does that put me as I walk away? What will I do with all of these experiences? I think about going home and all the things that I will be excited to do again. I know that not too far down the road I will be going home. I have thought about what is next on God's agenda for me in the coming year. Even though we've been here 4 weeks, I somehow am still very able to let my mind go to another place. It’s partly because I don't want to live in the now. I don't want to feel the things and go through the struggles that people here have faced. I don't know how to deal with that. But I want to be in the now. I want to look around and see what God is doing instead of looking at myself.`

I still haven't wrapped my head around the reality of this place. I will never understand it or be able to look around this place and say, these are my people. My friends and family...this is where we come from and this is how we live. This is the culture in which I was raised and this is how it has affected me as an individual, the good and the bad.

The only thing that I can do is love. I can listen to the stories of the people in the clinic or the children whose lives have truly been saved that live in the rescue center. And I can look inside myself, know that I am only a person just like them, and care. God is love and love is in me.

So I decided that the most important thing that will go with me from this place is my relationships with the kids. They each have a unique story and I don't know all of them. But I know the kids. I have seen them and spent time with the everyday. Their individual personalities come out when you hold them and give them some one on one attention. I get to see their little quirks and their mean streaks too. When they get I n groups they do crazy things! I didn't even like kids until a year or two ago, but i have definitely fallen in love. I just want to talk about of few of them. You can look on the rescue centers blog and see more about their stories, but these have been the stories I've made with them.

Evenson- He is 4. He came in and was really malnourished. He is a lot smaller than a 4 yr old should be. But He was put on a special diet that only consisted of Medika Mamba, which is peanut butter, oil and some vitamins all mixed together. He has already graduated from the program from gaining a certain amount of weight. He is full of energy now. He has some type of allergy to a medicine he is on, so he has little white bumbies all over his body and they itch. So we scratch his back sometimes for him. He is so cute. He is the sweetest kid too. He talks all of the time and has the cutest little voice. I guess he is funny cause the adults always laugh at what he says... He'll sit on my lap and talk away. I just repeat things that he says... I hope its all good stuff. We sing together. I'll start singing something and he will sing too. Today we sang Old McDonald had a farm...he already knew the e i e i o part. It was so cute. And I also dance with him. I would pick him up and spin around like we are waltzing or something. Then I tried to get him to do the twist....He dosen't have the hip thing down yet. I will miss him SO much!

Nickenson:
I don't know that much about him. He was on the peanut butter stuff too for a while. He looks alot better. He has really big ears. They are so cute. So I always play with them..ha I

Hope and Faith:
Twins that are being adopted by a family in the states. They have speaking problems and only make sounds, but they can say my name. They are probably around 3 but i don't really know. But they are trouble when they are together! But separately they are pretty cute. I always lay Hope back below my legs and then swing her back up. She loves it and wants to do it all the time. Faith is crazy! They both...actually all of the kids, hate wearing underwear. We got to a point where we can tell them to go put some underwear on before we will hold them. Even though we dont speak the same language somehow they know what we are talking about! Hope is a little bit taller than Faith. And she has a brown spot in the middle of her two front teeth, not a big one. But enough to know that its Hope by seeing it. They are healthy girls...just waiting for all the papers to go through. I will for sure be praying for the family that is blessed with them! They'll have some work to do. ha

Desme and Denny:
They are older...3 or 4. They have been here a long time...grew up together. Denny had water on his brain when he was born and by the time they got it all out and he was fine, his skull had formed around it. So his head is huge! They hope that he will grow into it. He always hits people with his head, like when kids bury their faces in you or something, but it hurts really badly! Desme is a trouble maker...but so photogenic. He is a beautiful kid. He was brought here when he was little and his Dad is the Dominican Republic working. They won't put him up for adoption because they know he has a Dad who actually wants him. Who knows when he'll come back or if he will, but Desme will be here waiting. They both call us Blanc all the time. They know our names but will still call us it to make a point...idk

Tina:
She was brought here as a baby when her mother died and grew up here. She was trouble most of the time...but just to get attention. There are 70 kids...you have to be extraordinary for people to notice you I guess. But sometimes she was so sweet. She loved to touch my hair and my earrings. It was precious. Just this week, they heard word that her sister that brought her here 3 yrs ago lives around Cazale. She just had a baby and was coming to the clinic every month for pre natal care. She never once stopped to see Tina...in 3 yrs. Her picture was up on the gate so people would be looking for her. She saw her own picture, knew they were looking for her and never told anyone who she was. Yesterday a worker here saw her and pulled her in the rescue center so she couldn’t get away. All the ladies came out from inside and gathered around her holding the picture of her holding Tina as an infant. They asked her questions and Leisha even said “I’ve taken care of your sister’s daughter for 3 years and given her everything she needs. Do you have anything at all to say to me?" She said no. She didn't want to take her and said that she would give her to the Father when she found him. So Tina left with her. They did her hair all cute and put real clothes on her and shoes. Gave her a bag with a toothbrush and more clothes, and 2 little dolls. In the matter of 30 minutes her whole world changed. She went from a group of women raising her and a bunch of kids to play with, to going back with her aunt that doesn't want her. It was sad and she must have been so scared. But the Lord is with her. And she knows that she is loved by the people here. I'll miss her.

Barthelmy:
He is my favorite! I've already told my family about him. I want to keep him. He is really malnourished and his arms and legs are so skinny. He is on the peanut butter diet, and since we've been here has slowly started getting better. He has a little droopy eye that is so cute. Just last week I saw him smile for the first time and I just grabbed him and held him all day! Now when he sees me he runs up to me! He holds his arms up and makes squealing noises. He is precious! He gets mad if any other kids are on my lap. He is still really small, but he's starting to run around. He wants to be troublesome but the ladies think he is too innocent and sick to be at fault...but no. He'll play in the water and run down to the gate with the rest of them. I will miss him so much. I pray that he can feel God's love in my embrace. I love him! I will be reading rescue centers blog all the time to look for pictures of him as he grows and see when he goes home.


Fedna, Everline, and Mary Cam:
These three girls are older than most the kids so they stick together a lot of the time. No one knew that Fedna was inside when her house burnt down. She survived but it missing a hand and some toes...and has burns all down her legs. She has been here for a while so they are healed, but they look crazy. She is so funny! She makes the funniest faces and get right up in your face. Today she asked me if she could bite me to see if it would leave a mark! She always wants us to take a picture of her. And she is already used to not having a hand...she uses it however she can and will want you to hold it as if it were her hand. Its really cool. I think.
Everline is so beautiful. She had burns all down the insides of her legs. A few days ago one of the women who work here took Everline home with her. Mary Cam was malnourished when she came. No one has come to get her and they are looking for her parents. They both love to be picked up and spun around. Mary Cam puts her hands up like she’s flying and makes a "woosh" sound...and that is how we know what she wants. ha! Everline likes to be spun around and i hold her upside down a little bit and her eyes get so big and she gets scared but then she wants to do it again! They are so fun. Mary Cam loves all the kids. She is a little abrasive at times, but wants to take care of them and put lotion on them. They both love to play with hair too. Mary Cam kisses me all over my face sometimes too. She is cute.

Carlos:
He drools a lot and will run up and put his face right on you so you get all wet!

Emmanuel:
He is temper tantrum kid...Kind of spastic but very cute

Alexon:
He was only here the first week that we were, but he was a pill. He was always running around and if you ever tried to put him down, he would go limp so you had to keep him from hitting his head or something and lay him out flat! He had tricks! ha But he is so cute! I don't think that I got any pictures of him sadly :(. The lady that runs it said "Here comes the worst kid in the Rescue Center"! But everyone loved him anyway.

Fenol:
We didn't know his name at first, and we noticed that he had a scar under one of his eyes. He then became known as scar face. After that we realized he had such a cute smile and became known as Dimples. By the end of our stay here, he got strong and kind of mean and is best known for the time he bit Lindsay in the butt!!

Levenson:
He is super cute and has big pretty eyes. He takes a nap on me sometimes while he's waiting his turn before bath time.

Jeff:
He is super skinny and still has quash and won't eat anything. But he started to smile since we've been here...only when we hold him but that is still good. He is a little weird though; he recently started to pee in random places out in the open...Once in the area that they eat.

Judy:
She went home this week too. She was a character. She had a water burn and had to stay to get daily dressing changes. She used to cry all the time and Audry Ann always held her, but then she got happy and went crazy! She mooned me once and never wore underwear. She always wanted the attention and thought she was the princess of the RC. She must have been treated well at home to have an attitude like hers, that she deserves everything.

RoseMary:
She is on the baby side, but has learned to stand with a little help. She is always on the go! Everyone loves her because she is so energetic and fun.

Rosali and Rosemani:
Rosali is a woman who was going to be sent in to a hospital to get a foot amputated, but a big storm came and knocked out the bridge on the way there. So while she waited for it to be fixed so she could go, it began to heal. She slept in the baby room and got daily dressing changes until it fully healed. Her daughter Rosemani slept on the bunk above her and took care of Rosali. Rosemani is probably Rosena’s age…so like 14 maybe. She is so pretty when she has her hair in braids with extensions! I would always play cards with her and Rosena. I liked her a lot! A couple of days ago, Lindsay and I went downstairs and they were gone. I wish we could have said bye, but people here are used to it I guess. People come and go all the time. It’s a good thing because they are healthy and healed, but for the women who work here, I would miss some of these kids that I had gotten to know so well.

There are many more that I am so happy that I got to meet, but these are just a few. This is a super long post, but I don’t want to forget this stuff!

Haiti...

I haven't yet blogged since being in Haiti. I usually want to send out emails and by the time I'm done with that I feel like I"ve been on the computer too long. But tonight I had the urge to do it. I think that its because I was thinking about my life and that it really is incomprehensible, the experiences I have and what God will do with all of it in the end.

We have been here for 14 days. I already feel like I've seen for than I had imagined I would seen. I've been moved more than I thought I could be. I remember sending an email to one of the women who run Real Hope For Haiti and all of its many outreaches, a few weeks before school was out. I remember telling her that I was most afraid of letting God break my heart for these people here, and then feeling that there is nothing I can do to leave a lasting impact. In the book The Shack God said...If anything matters, everything matters.

So I'm here doing small things to love on these kids and help in the clinic. God will use the small things to make big impacts on peoples lives.

There are so many kids in these two small rooms made of concrete with a big blue metal gate to keep them in. The older kids are always sticking their heads thru the bars to try and talk to you. When we go in there they all run to us and tackle us. To them, its like a competition to get to play with us. So if we go in there we are in the way of all the ladies who are trying to take care of them. We usually sit outside on a bench by where they eat and play with a few kids that we bring out with us. Or the bigger kids come out who run around like crazy. They always have poo or something on them. Its pretty sad. They do the best job taking care of the kids possible, even a lot better than if these kids were home one on one with a parent. I love holding them and playing with them. The little babies are precious. There are a few that are so small, they spit up a lot of what they eat, and its so hard to see them because we know that if they can't eat they wont make it. They get new kids every week. We are always willing to play with the newbee. You can usually tell which ones are new because they will just stand outside like they are waiting for their parent to come back for them. And they look so sad. They cry but after a week or maybe less maybe more, they will be laughing and playing with all the other kids.

We do alot of other stuff, and Lorie and Leisha do so much to help those in need. They have been faithful to live by the spirit, seeing thru God's eyes to see what the needs are for those in the area. They pay for people to have surgeries that they need. They ask their employees about who in the area are struggling, they go meet the people, and find out how they can help them. On top of the clinic, rescue center, sewing classes, getting clean water to the community, as well as employing a lot of people. The opportunity to work is the most valuable thing here.

The thing that has had the most impact on me was last week when we walked to the home of an old couple. It is a rigorous journey no matter where you are headed if you travel thru the mountains. When we got there the couple came out of their home and sat with us. They were so cute!! Leisha took us into their house to show us how they were planning on helping the couple. I had to hold back the tears. I mean We've driven by shacks people live in and seen people bathing in the river, but there was something about standing inside of the home and truly witnessing what it is like for these people to live in such conditions. It was probably smaller than my moms bathroom at home. There were two rooms. There was a wooden foundation of sticks as the walls and harden mud/clay packed into the sticks. They had a super small bed and nothing else. They had a small shelf/table in the corner, the other room was behind a wall of sticks and it was where they cooked their food. There was a big hole in the wall from wind and rain, and the left wall was caving in. They had a bundle of sticks up against the wall to keep it from completely collapsing. It rains here!!! I mean their house is made of mud and sticks. The rain and wind and hurricanes over the years and this shack is still standing. But they are happy people. They dont know how bad they have it. They don't know how other people live. To them its home.

As I am writing I am discouraged. I don't even know why I'm trying to put into words what it is like here and how i'm being impacted.

I need God. He is the only thing being my support. He holds my future, my life, my heart. He loves all these people here, and although they suffer he is rising up people to show his glory.

I may write again later... I may not.....sorry my blogging experience has been a flop

Experiences and Choices

It just hit me today. I'm going to Haiti in a week and I am not prepared in the least...not physically, emotionally, spiritually. I can't believe the school year is over... A year of responsibility, joy, difficulty, loss, and huge gain.

I woke up yesterday at 9am...ready to work my butt off and get the heck out of Anderson to make it to my sisters grad party. I never stopped running around, carrying things, cleaning things, untill it was done. I was exhausted, but it was over. My car was packed, the dorm was clean and ready for the summer. With excitement that we could soon leave, the RAs gathered in the lobby for one last prayer before we parted ways, some of us only for the summer but others forever. We huddled together thanking God for all of his work this year. All of my pain and my joy from the past 9 months was present in my mind. "This has been an amazing year", I thought. I looked around the circle as Abby prayed at some of my now best friends. These girls were there for me this year like no one else was. I wasn't ready to leave them. I wasn't ready to leave for the summer knowing that I would be forever changed by events to come...just like I had been changed by the shared memories with these beautiful girls. We are all imperfect, but together we make up for eachothers weaknesses. I am so grateful that I got the experience of being an RA. There were alot of things that I could have done better, but I was true to myself and real with the girls along the way. I loved my girls, and I loved the fellowship with the staff. I will never have another experience like it. I hugged each of the RAs goodbye and began to cry a little. But I knew that it was time to go. People at a fiesta were waiting for me.

So I get to this party...My family is kinda funny. They like to tell their crazy stories that without fail have something to do with alcohol. A few crowd favorites are: signing up for nineth grade with a hangover, honeymoon that involves police, tazers, and eatible underwear. And of course Dad's friend in a mid-life crisis, driving a corvett and smoking pot. I get a whole different view of life from this side of my family, and I've learned many lessons from them. I'm glad they are a part of my life. They are the other side that makes up who I am today. They think that Jayne and I are perfect. I think that Dad wants us to be better than them, but we are all the same. They are good people. Life is about choices....a friend just reminded me, "we make good choices and bad choices. It's how the world works." Where ever we are in our lives, its about the what we do next...the next right choice.

This post is kind of random but it all happened in the last day...

don't sweat the small stuff

So I get mad really easily... I don't want to, it just happens. Little things with my family and a few others, just make me really mad. And I yell. Thats how I deal with things. Thats how my family dealt with things. My mom yelled at me. My Dad yelled at me. Later my Dad felt bad, but I couldn't and still haven't forgiven him for a few of those times that he freaked out on me out of no where. I mean yeah I provoked it a little, but no one especially a child ever deserves being screamed at and told they are stupid. He has tried to make up for it so many times. Now he can't understand why after all of the good things he has done for me, I still hold onto those instances where he lost himself to the moment...anger or frustration....whatever it stemmed from.

Well ladies and gentlemen, now I am one of these individuals who lashes out in moments of frustration. I don't mean to get so upset, but the situations in which it happens are just stupid. The problems usually don't even matter that much. But I get mad, yell about it, and then a few minutes later everything is fine. When my mom, sister, and I get mad at eachother we just yell at eachother then after it settles we're back to normal. But apparently this method doesn't work for everyone.

This has affected some of my relationships already. I'm just a nineteen year old gril with some issues I guess. I so badly want to be slow to anger and slow to speak, but even in moments that I recognize my emotions and try to control them, they still come out. I've been working on this issue in my life for over a year. The whole emotion thing... well i've got some more work to do. I'm sorry if I have hurt anyone.

Letting go of control

This semester is ending so much different than I had originally planned. First, I find out that living-wise...next year is a big question mark. I want my friends to do what it is that they've wanted to do. But I've been hurt. "you know what they did? they kicked him in the penis. He was injured, injured bad" Thats how I feel. Like whoever that little black kid was alluding to in that commercial. I just feel dumb. I don't know what I was thinking, while under the impression these important people in my life would want to live with me. Those who I spend the most time with and share the most about myself with, are those who are the most important. I don't have certain friends because I can't find anyone else..it's because I care about them. I know that none of this stuff has happened because they don't like me and want to hurt me, but I can't help but to feel sad. I probably shouldn't be writing this on here for them to see. But I just want to express the feelings somehow. If we sit down and talk about it, they'll feel sorry for me. I don't need sympathy. I just deserve to have loving and supportive friends who want to be around me. I deserve to live with close friends and we can live life together. I think that people are also frustrated with me because I am now going to do something for MY self. I want to experience new things...if that means changing clubs..its okay! Just like my friends don't want to leave me, they just want something different. Feelings shouldn't be hurt and judgements shouldn't be made. I just can't keep trying to hold onto to things.

I thought that I had everything planned out. But God has something in store for me I guess.. I'm excited to live with different people next year. God will work for the good in this situation. I am not bitter or mad about anything. I just feel weird. God has placed some awesome people in my life that are coming alongside me to support me too. Its like God telling me that I'm not always in control of everything. It is just preparing me for when I go to Haiti and will just have to go with the flow. It will be unlike anything I could plan for.

I'm a blogger....

I never thought this day would come, when I'd be blogging. I never thought that I was cool enough to have one, but here I am...The very essence of cool! I feel okay about this.

I guess that I just want to be able to express myself. I have never really had a problem doing that, but this is different. I want to be able to share the heart of me...something that is underneath all the stuff thats going on in my life. I say all the time how I've changed so much this past year. It's true, but I want others to see it as well. I also want to tell others about my experiences this summer while I'm away. I want to tell people about what God is doing, what is happening in this world that people are oblivious to. We are so consumed by all of our problems and desires, we can't fully appreciate life...me included. I hope to re-center this summer, starting now. I rely so heavily on my relationships, and my emotions go right along with them. I'm up and down and around with emotion. I have been working on not letting my emotions cripple me. I've gotten better at it, but its a process... But anyway, I need not rely on people but to rely on something that is within me, that is within all of us. The Spirit of God.

Part of the change in me has been my understanding of the Creator, and how I relate to this invisible incomprehensible God. My mind does this thing where it dwells on the things that are wrong in this world. I've gotten caught up with ideas of Hell and of pain. I have learned all my life in church that Christ has conquered death, sickness, and fear. But there are people out there who don't know that. There are people out there who have withered away to only a shell of the person they once were, or the person they could be. Not someone who does all the right things and says all the right things, but a person with a sense of purpose and love. I hurt for people and the what I've been doing to deal with it, is turning away. I turn away from trying to understand God. I will never understand what happens in this life. It's good to realize that and just trust God anyway. But I've not much much of that either. But when I pray I know that God has given me a passion to help unveil his kingdom thats in the midst of us. Because most of the time, I can't see it. I can't even see it in myself.

I'm sorry if what I said doesn't even make sense. My mind goes on tangents. ha I've said a lot for my first blog. But I guess I know what this blog is for now....It's the witness of a process of growth within me, a process of change along this incomprehensible journey.